Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If she could be here just for a moment I would have so much to tell her. I would say "I love you" over and over again. I would tell Elspeth that I have thought about her every single day since she left me. I would tell her my heart aches for me to rock her asleep. I would tell her how beautiful she is and promise that I will never forget what it felt like to hold her in my arms and kiss her face.
I would also tell Elspeth that we smile when we remember her. Sometimes we just lay in bed and talk about her birthday, just remembering the happiness of that wonderful day. I would tell her that I dream about the day we will be reunited and how joyful that day will be when we are a family again. I would thank her for the time she blessed us with and what a miracle it was that she lived for 9 months!
Yes, it's been 3 months that she has been gone. I enjoyed 6 weeks of "maternity" leave, Thanksgiving, a Christmas candle lighting ceremony at the hospital to remember babies lost, Christmas with family and finally a fresh start with the new year.
I'm especially looking forward to the new year and the possibilities that it brings.
Thank you to everyone who have made these past 3 months better than I could have imagined and for putting up with me.
Thank you mostly to Ryan who is the best husband and father I could have asked for myself and for my child(ren).
I love you Elspeth.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The funeral services for Elspeth were held on Saturday Oct. 9th at our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Our Bishop and Stake President (local leaders) spoke about God's plan for our baby and reminded us that we will be reunited with her again. Their words were so comforting and perfectly matched for what we needed to hear. At the cemetery Ryan tenderly laid Elspeth's tiny casket into the ground and family and friends dropped a flower into her grave as a last farewell. It was a beautiful day outside, sunny and 70 degrees. The leaves on the trees had just started to change. Ryan and I decided that whenever we see the trees start to change it will be a silent reminder of our baby.
It's now been 10 days since Elspeth was born. I know that I have to slowly start picking up the pieces, and it's been much harder that I had anticipated. I left the house for the first time today and cooked dinner for Ryan in an attempt to imitate "normal" life. I feel like an imposter in my own home. One of these days I will be able to say Elspeth's name and instead of crying I will smile. There's something to be said of people have been through a loss like this...to those who have been here in my shoes I have a tremendous respect for you. I am looking forward to becoming strong and resilient again.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Luckily after a lot of pampering and love (and strong antibiotics) I have recovered just in time to check into the hospital this morning for my cervical "ripening". The staff here at the hospital is so wonderful. The nurse and I just finished making a little bracelet for Elspeth together and the maternity coordinator and her secretary made a little hat just for Elspeth. I am so touched by their thoughtfulless.
I want to give a special thanks to so many of your emails, cards, letters, FB shout outs, etc from friends and so many of you that I have never even met. I have been touched deeply by your concern and love poured out to Ryan, Elspeth and I. There aren't words for the appreciation we feel for all of you.
I especially want to thank our families who have traveled many miles to be here with us tomorrow as Elspeth enters the world. To our parents, brothers, sisters, nieces and nephews...we love you more than words.
Elspeth is still holding strong. On sonogram this morning she was looking beautiful, still head down with a heart rate in the 130's. The nurse tells me that labor will probably be between 12-18 hours because I am a first time momma. I am a little distressed by this news but still keeping my head up. Statistics show that Elspeth chances of making it out alive sharply decrease after 10 hours of labor. I am holding onto the fact that no matter what happens in the end, Elspeth will always be my daughter. She will be just as beautiful to me alive or passed. Her imprint on my heart is never-ending.
This is it. I am 40 weeks tomorrow. We made it! I promised Elsepth that she would get every single day of her gestation and I am so happy that I was able to keep that promise to her. I will update you all for one final post after her birth.
I love you all.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Elspeth is coming in only 10 days! We went to the doctor yesterday and everything is looking great. She was extremely active during our office visit and made everyone smile, including Dr. Sheridan.
Elspeth is my best birthday gift. She has made this past year the most incredible adventure. I have had such a wonderful pregnancy, no major aches and pains, no morning sickness, etc. She is the best baby a mother could ask for. Today I can say that I have everything I have ever wanted for my birthday...a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. I am truly blessed.
I can best describe the emotional side of the pregancy as an "emotional marathon". I have never enjoyed running, and the best I have ever ran was a 5k, but what I do know about running is that the most difficult part of a marathon is the last few miles. Ryan and I are on the last few emotional miles of this pregnancy marathon and we are feeling the wear and tear of a long road. We have learned so much about ourselves. Marathon runners run hundreds of miles in preparation for their races. Ryan and I have "trained" for this pregnancy is a very different way. We have good parents who taught us to trust in our Heavenly Father and they showed us how to go to Him in prayer since we were small children. We have studied the scriptures and found comfort in the passages left by prophets of God. Ryan and I have relied on our faith and fortitude built up from many years through this time. We have been sustained and lifted up because of it. People may wonder why I can smile and laugh during this time and I can tell you that I know it's because I know that I am a child of God, He loves me. He knows who I am by name and Elspeth is one of His most precious daughters. I have felt the loving arms of my Savior around me as I have prayed for my daughter. I am so thankful for this testimony, to know who I am and to understand my eternal goals. I know that Ryan and I will be reunited with our daughter again someday and our joy will be so sweet when we get to see her perfected body along with her perfect spirit that we feel now.
Thank you everyone for your birthday wishes. You have all helped to make this day special for my little family.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Saturday afternoon my dear friend Celeste threw me a "shower of love". I felt extremely showered with love from family and my friends from church. It's terrible to admit, but I was really hesitant about having a baby shower because I felt self-concious about recieving gifts for myself. Ryan saved the day however when he suggested that we collect items to donate. He pitched the idea to Celeste and I, of course we loved it. After careful deliberation, we picked The Rose Brooks Center. The Rose Brooks Center is a shelter for battered women here in Kansas City. I was first introduced to this organization back in February at a women's conference held by our church. All of the ladies brought items to donate and then the founder spoke to us. She was inspiring and I knew that they would be the perfect choice. A battered women can be anyone, it's possible they could be pregnant or have small children. Now that I have a mother's perspective there have been so many times I have wished that I could give Elsepth anything she needs or do anything I could for her but in so many ways I cannot. These women feel the same way about their babies, they want to give their babies everything but can't because they are starting their lives over again. I wanted to make it a little easier for them and this project was a tiny dent in the list of needs for the shelter. We collected far more than I had expected. I am so grateful for the generosity of good friends.
The photo is of us preparing to unload the truck. From left to right Rose, Joan, Me, and Celeste's children Scout, Olivia and Asher. The best moment of the day was Joan's embrace. She transferred so much love into my heart through a simple hug, I couldn't help but to become a little bit emotional. These women's work is inspirational and amazing. I hope I can get involved in the shelter again soon.
Photos from the baby shower:
No baby shower is complete without tasty treats. Celeste, Shirley and Michelle did a great job keeping our sweet teeth satisfied. Thank you everyone who helped and participated.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
So many people have told me that they are praying for a miracle for Elsepth. I am so grateful for their prayers and also hope for a miracle at birth, but I know that she has already been a miracle several times over. It's a miracle I could even become pregnant, it's a miracle that Elspeth didn't miscarry in the first fragile trimester, it's a miracle that she has made it to be a full term baby. Who knows what else she has in store?
So, I decided to celebrate Elsepth's full termness by going out with my dear friend Celeste. We went for pedicures (as you could see from a previous post that I really needed one), and then went out to eat disgustingly unhealthy cheese french fries. It was great! With so much to mourn, it was refreshing to celebrate.
You all probably think I am obsessed with my feet. I guess I am a little bit, especially since I can't see them anymore.
This week's doctor update is extremely uneventful...thankfully. No dialation or contractions (I know it's TMI). It's looking like we are still headed for an induction on Oct. 5th as previously planned.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
3 lessons learned
1. I am not nearly as prepared as I thought I was to have my baby die. Last night was a painful insight in the weeks to come.
2. God answers our prayers through other people. Maybe it's family, maybe it's a stranger.
3. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding". We talked about this verse in Sunday school about 2 weeks ago and it's been on my mind ever since. I can't even tell you how many times I have asked Heavenly Father "why me? why my baby?" I have tried justifying and rationalizing this situation over and over. The only answer that makes any kind of sense is that this is God's plan. He loves me and I have to trust in Him. Maybe someday this will all make sense.
Oh, I liked this quote I "overheard" on my online support group.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and love leaves a memory no one can steal."