Yesterday Ryan and I recieved a tough reality check. I came home from work last night and I realized I hadn't felt Elspeth kick at all yesterday. I got settled into my comfortable chair and sat still waiting to feel her familiar and friendly kicks. Nothing. After about 2 hours I started to panic. I called Ryan who was at work and told him the situation. Ryan was wonderful, he stayed calm and we said a prayer and asked God to help me feel Elsepth soon and to know what to do. We discussed going to the hospital or calling the OBGYN but decided to just wait it out. I hung up the phone with Ryan and my sister Annah called. She helped me keep things in perspective and calmed me down. While I was talking to my sister Ryan had an interesting experience. A NICU nurse walked right into his work and saw the worry on his face and asked him what was wrong. Ryan told this stranger what was going on not knowing her profession. She was able to calm his fears so that he could be a better support to me. Of course early this morning around 4:45 a.m. Elspeth woke me up beeping and bopping around like a ninja baby. She was exceptionally active for a good part of the day today too.
3 lessons learned
1. I am not nearly as prepared as I thought I was to have my baby die. Last night was a painful insight in the weeks to come.
2. God answers our prayers through other people. Maybe it's family, maybe it's a stranger.
3. Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto thine own understanding". We talked about this verse in Sunday school about 2 weeks ago and it's been on my mind ever since. I can't even tell you how many times I have asked Heavenly Father "why me? why my baby?" I have tried justifying and rationalizing this situation over and over. The only answer that makes any kind of sense is that this is God's plan. He loves me and I have to trust in Him. Maybe someday this will all make sense.
Oh, I liked this quote I "overheard" on my online support group.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal and love leaves a memory no one can steal."