31 weeks

This past week I have been thinking a lot about women of the past who have lost their babies due to illness or birth defects. I think the only big difference between their situation and mine is that I have known since 14 weeks of pregnancy that I would lose my baby whereas they had no anticipation of what would come. I have had this thought frequently lately; which one would be more difficult, to lose a baby without explaination or to know well in advance exactly what you were in for? I guess my conclusion is this, I am grateful for the knowledge of what is to come. I am also very grateful for this time of amazing technology and resources. 100+ years ago a mother who had a baby with anencephaly would never know what happened to her baby, she would never understand. She might not have even been permitted to see her baby. She might have even been ostracized by society for having a baby that looked different. I am so blessed to live in this time where I can understand what happened to my Elspeth and to celebrate her life with dignity.

Another frequent thought I've had is about mothers who give their babies up for adoption. I have come to empathize with these women. I have formed a newly found respect for mothers who want to give their children a better life than they can give them. I now truly can understand the feelings that they might experience. There was a tv show on ABC last fall, I can't remember the name of it, but it reunited mothers and children who were separated by adoptions. I started to watch the show because Ryan and I had begun discussing adopting a baby after two years of infertility. I watched the show a couple of times, and the running theme from the mothers was "I thought about my child everyday and wondered if I had done the right thing". I wonder if I will feel the same way...will Elspeth occupy my mind every day? I hope so! However, I hope that I will not be riddled with guilt like the mothers on the tv show.

I think I might have too much time to think. This is what happens when I have way too much time on my hands, which unfortunately is the case currently with Ryan working and going to school. Also, my apologizes to anyone who might have been offended by my last post. My intent wasn't to offend, just to express some intense feelings.

Again, thanks for reading. Elspeth and I are doing fine. We have a big week coming up for 32 weeks and I will have lots to post next week including our 32 week check up, hospital visit and birth class!